Listen up, greenhorn. The world ain’t what it used to be. Gone are the days of air conditioning, microwave burritos, and binge-watchin’ that one show with dragons and disappointments. This here’s the wasteland now. Ain’t nothin’ left but rot, rust, and ruin—and if you ain’t smart, you’ll be zombie chow by nightfall. Name’s Hank. Folks round here call me Ol’ Hank. I’ve been breathin’ through a gas mask longer than most of you’ve been suckin’ air. I seen what them biters can do. So sit your armored butt down and let me show you how to *live*.
Week One: Keep Your Head Down, Rookie
First seven days’ll make or break ya. You hear me? That’s when the blood moon hits, and them dead suckers get real interested in your internal organs. Here’s what you gotta do:
- Smack Rocks, Punch Grass: I don’t care if you were an accountant before the world burned. You need a stone axe, and you need it yesterday.
- Find a Rooftop or Shack: Stay off the ground! Zombies love ground. You ever seen a crawler on a roof? Nope. That’s science.
- Drop a Bedroll, Like Right Now: Die without it and you’ll respawn naked in the woods with a rock and regret. Don’t be that guy.
- Loot Trash Like It’s Christmas: Glue, feathers, old tin cans—yeah, you’re gonna want all of it. Duct tape’s the new gold, son.
- Cook It or Puke It: Raw meat’ll send your guts into a death spiral. You need a fire, a pot, and a prayer to Saint Charcoal.
Weeks 2–4: Now You’re in the Thick of It
You survived your first blood moon? Congrats, you’re officially a meat popsicle with potential. But don’t let your head get big—this is where it gets *real* hairy.
- Upgrade or Die: Stone axes are for babies. Time to get a forge cookin’ and move up to iron. Show the undead you mean business.
- Grow It or Starve: Plant potatoes, corn, mushrooms—heck, plant hope while you’re at it. Hunt, but don’t overdo it. Deer don’t grow on trees.
- Dig Deep: Find a mountain or dig down. Iron, coal, nitrate—they’re the holy trinity of not dying later.
- Build Defenses Like a Paranoid Grandpa: Spike traps, barbed wire, pit falls, exploding turrets. Think Fort Knox. But with zombies. And less gold.
- Turrets Are Your Best Friend: Don’t let the name fool you. Junk turrets slap. And they don’t need hugs.
Blood Moon Prep: The Apocalypse’s Version of Sunday Dinner
Every seventh night, the moon turns red and the screaming starts. It ain’t poetry. It’s survival.
- Concrete Is King: If your walls are wood, so is your coffin. Upgrade that junk or get eaten.
- Funhouse of Death: Build a hallway of horrors. Force them into a corridor and let traps do the dirty work.
- Always Have a Plan Bunker: If your base goes down, have a shack in the hills with canned chili and a shotgun. It’s not cowardice—it’s foresight.
- Repair Mid-Fight or Die Trying: Keep materials on you. Patch walls mid-horde. Heroes fix things while screaming.
- Light It Up: Zombies hate the light. Or maybe they just like jump scares. Either way, torches and spotlights help.
Advanced Tips from the Back of My Blood-Stained Notebook
These nuggets of knowledge were bought with blood, sweat, and three toes I no longer have.
- Pick Your Perks Like a Pro: You like shootin’? Go perception. You like stabbin’? Agility. You like makin’ robots? Intelligence. Don’t spread points like peanut butter.
- Mess with Their Tiny Zombie Minds: Zombies are dumb but predictable. Give ‘em stairs, remove floors, use half-blocks. They’ll walk right into the meat grinder if you smile pretty enough.
- Ride the Bike: Bicycles are the unsung heroes. No gas, no noise, all pedal. Minibike’s next, but that first ride? Sweet freedom.
- Books Are Brain Ammo: Those old skill books? Read ‘em. Don’t burn ‘em. Even if they smell like mildew and sadness.
- Always Have Honey, Always: Biters make you sick. Honey cures it. If you don’t have any, you’re gonna be more zombie than man soon enough.
Playing on The Survivors Enclave: Rules of the Wasteland
This ain’t just your world, newbie. You’re sharin’ it with other poor souls who haven’t been eaten yet. Here's how we keep it *civil*—wasteland-style.
- Find a Crew: Lone wolves are cool—until they die alone. Get a squad. Cover each other’s backs, and maybe even share chili.
- Assign Roles: Farmer, miner, builder, scout. Everyone’s got a job. Slackers get left behind. Or used as bait.
- Land Claims = Sacred Ground: Don’t mess with another survivor’s claim. That’s holy turf. Trespassers will be ventilated.
- Barter with Honor: Trading builds trust. Stealin’ gets you shot in the leg and left for the horde. Your call.
- Use Your Tools, Rookie: Server’s got maps, mods, Discord maybe. Use ‘em. Smart survivors live longer. Dumb ones become scenery.
Last Words from a Worn-Out Legend
Look, I don’t expect you to make it past Day 70. Most don’t. But maybe you’re built different. Maybe you’ve got grit. Or maybe you just hate zombies that much.
Either way, here’s my advice:
Fortify smart. Fight dirty. And never—*ever*—underestimate the power of a well-placed land mine.
Now go out there and make Ol’ Hank proud. Or at least die funny.
